The Case of 'The Ripper'
by AnimeNutsy
Summary: Do not judge a story by it's title...
1. Chapter 1

The Case Of 'The Ripper'.

By AnimeNutsy

Disclaimer: I do not own any Fruits Basket characters. They belong to Natsuki Takaya.

Warnings: Mild Language, and _lots _of sillyness. Oh! And a little reminder for all peoples, animals and other life forms to wear gas masks when reading this. Thankies!

A/N: This isn't about Jack The Ripper, or anything like that. Really, it isn't. I also make a crude and nasty remake of the intro song for the Fruits Basket anime. This fic is about farting. Yes, farting. Otherwise known as passing wind. So, um…please don't flame me. The amount of toxic ass gas that is in this fic, along with the power of the flame…well…you get the point.:D

Intro Song (Stanky Version)

_I was so happy when you fart,_

_Your fart breaks through the clouds of grey,_

_Far from the sunny days that lie in your shit._

_Waiting with patience for the stench,_

_When the flowers will die off again,_

_Knowing there's more beyond the crud of today._

_Although the skids of yesterday remain,_

_You can go on farting as long as your ass don't bleed._

_You can fart again, beware of the shit stains._

_Let's fart together always._

Main Sohma Household

New Years Eve

Akito Sohma stood at the head of the huge banquet, which was being held to honor the traditions of the zodiac. "Attention, my charming little freaks! Your gorgeous and charming master commands your attention!" Akito shouted out.

Most of the members of the zodiac immediately gave the young man their full attention, while some glared at the young and arrogant master. None glared more harshly than Yuki Sohma, the rat.

"He's acting like a jerk! Well…even more so than he usually does." Yuki mumbled, pouting. Hatori walked over, and stood by Yuki's side. "Yes. It's strange. He's acting as if he's…drunk." Hatori spoke, and narrowed his eyes in thought.

"That can't be. He's only had one glass of wine, which was watered down. I've drank more than he has." Yuki replied to the family doctor. "What? You've been _drinking_ the _wine_?" Hatori whispered.

"Well, yeah. I never knew wine was this good. Hic! I think I'm gonna have s'more!" Yuki giggled, quite drunkenly. "I think _not_! Come with me! You're going straight to bed, young man!" Hatori hissed, and grabbed Yuki by the arm and steered him out of the banquet room.

Shigure scratched his head, looking at Akito in thought. "Looks like our Little Lord Fontelroy has no head for alcohol." Shigure giggled, as Akito went on with his usual nagging.

"He's not drunk, Gure-san. I put a heavy dose of Rohipnoll into his drink." Ayame told him, coming to stand by his side. Shigure eeped. "R-Rohipnoll? Isn't that the _date-rape _drug?" Shigure asked, dreading the answer.

"Yup. I plan of having my way with him after the banquet." Ayame replied, breaking out into a grin when he saw Shigure's horrified expression. "Relax, I'm joking. He always acts like such a crabby apple during the banquet, I thought this would, you know…calm him down a little." Ayame explained.

Shigure nodded, not entirely believing the snake. Both of them, including the rest of the Sohmas, listened in to what Akito had to say. "I welcome you all to the banquet. So…eat, drink…and be fricken merry, k? And I'd also like to--"

PPPPFFFFFTTT…… 

Akito was promptly cut off, by the unmistakable sound of a fart letting loose. All the people gathered looked at each other, evading the blame, for the punishment would be severe. Oh, yes…would it _ever _be severe.

Akito stood, rigid as a stick. He opened his mouth to scream out his angered response, but got a mouthful of stinky ass gas instead. Akito fell to the floor, choking. Kureno ran over to him, scooped him up and ran for the doors.

"Everybody, evacuate in an orderly fashion." Kureno spoke. "I repeat-Everybody evacuate in an--" Kureno was cut short, by the screams of people, as everyone made a run for the doors. Kureno was pushed along with the flow of screaming bodies. He shielded Akito's body with his own, to protect the young master.

"Somebody, help meeeeeee!" Ayame screamed, as he was pushed to and fro, eventually disappearing amongst the crowd. "Shit, this is worse than a fricken Mosh Pit!" Snarled Black Haru, as he punched a guy who tried to grab onto him.

Ritsu, being the Monkey, climbed up some curtains and managed to avoid the rush. Momiji was sent flying out a window. Poor old Shigure now had a lot of sympathy for sardines, as he too, was pushed along.

All the people pushed, shoved and rushed until, finally, the banquet room was empty. Akito lay sprawled on the front lawn, catching his breath. "Akito-sama. Slow and easy wins the race, remember?" Kureno told the young man, as he tried to comfort Akito, who was shaking.

"F-Find out…who did it! I want them…-cough-…found at ONCE! No one…-cough, cough-…and I mean, NO ONE farts while I'm talking!" Akito coughed out. Kureno was off in a flash, to find the culprit.

"Sh..Shigure…" Akito stared up at the dog, who had fallen near him. "Yes…sir?" Shigure caught his breath and faced Akito. "Take me to my rooms, at once. I tire of this farce." Akito pouted, and sulked as Shigure picked him up and carried him off.

Meanwhile, Kureno….

Kureno stalked through the grounds of the gardens, weapons at the ready. His eyes adjusted to the darkness, and he saw a lone figure sitting alone. He pounced on the figure, tackling them to the ground.

"Gaah! What the hell?" Screeched the person, and Kureno looked down. Pinned underneath him was none other than Kyou. "Kyou? What are you doing here?" Kureno asked.

"Tch! Like I could skip this boring get together? I'm not allowed at the banquet, remember? I have to sit outside and twiddle my thumbs like a good little cat! Jerks!" Kyou grumbled, but was startled when Kureno hurled him to his feet.

"Hey! What the heck are you doing? Lemme go!" Kyou protested, as he was dragged all the way inside the mansion, and he was forced to sit in front of Akito. "What the heck is that filthy animal doing in here?" Akito asked, and glared up at Kureno.

"You asked me to find someone suspicious. So I did." Kureno replied. "Suspicious? What the hell is going on?" Kyou asked, looking from Akito, to Kureno, and to Shigure, who was pouring tea for Akito.

"Don't give us this! You're the culprit! Confess at once to Akito!" Kureno pointed an accusing finger at Kyou. "Confess what? I haven't done anything except sit outside in the freaking cold!" Kyou growled at the rooster.

"Kyou…someone passed wind while Akito was talking at the banquet. Were you the one who did it?" Shigure asked, clearly not believing that Kyou was the culprit. "How could I? I was outside the whole entire time." Kyou replied.

"How could we know that, hmm? You could have snuck in, farted, then snuck back outside again, to avoid the blame. This was clearly an attempt on Akito-sama's life. What better culprit than you?" Kureno asked, smugly.

"You know what? I think you're trying to pass the buck. How do I know that it wasn't _you _who farted?" Kyou grinned at the flustered rooster. "How? Because I would never do something so disgusting as farting while in the company of others." Kureno spoke, matter-of-factly.

"Oh! So, you're saying that _I _am that kind of person, huh?" Kyou snarled, his tail bristling. "Why not? You _are _the cat." Kureno replied. "Oh, you can just go to hell. I know where this is going. You lazy bastards are just searching for a scapegoat. Well, I'm not going to play in your little game." Kyou said, then stood up and left.

"Well, that went well." Shigure said, and handed Akito a cup of hot green tea. "Where's mine?" Kureno asked Shigure. "You can get your own." Shigure replied, and walked out of the room.

"So, other than soiling my house and my room with that filthy cat, you haven't made any progress with finding the perpetrator?" Akito asked the rooster. "That is correct, Akito-sama." Kureno told the young man.

"You useless dolt. Go away." Akito grumbled, shooing away Kureno with a wave of his hand. Dismayed, the rooster left the clan head's room, and made his way to his own.

"What a day, what a day…" Kureno murmured, and turned back his bed covers, preparing for a good night's rest, when all of a sudden, he heard laughter in his closet. "Who's in there?" Kureno asked, and went to grab the closet door handle, when he felt breath on the back of his neck.

He turned around, only to be met with a shadow, the sound of a fart being let loose, then the stink of ass gas. Coughing once, Kureno fell to the ground, not moving. A shadow loomed over the fallen man. "Ha-ha-ha. Not on your best day, rooster. None of you will ever catch the ripper." A voice spoke, then harsh laughter filled the room.

To Be Continued

A/N: Should I continue this?


	2. Chapter 2

The Case Of 'The Ripper'.

By AnimeNutsy

Disclaimer: I do not own any Fruits Basket characters. They belong to Natsuki Takaya.

Warnings: Mild Language, and _lots _of sillyness. Oh! And a little reminder for all peoples, animals and other life forms to wear gas masks when reading this. Thankies!

A/N: Thanks to Dukoro-chan for reviewing. I actually didn't think anyone would bother with this one. Well, it just goes to show that my humor does get appreciated!

Part 2

Shigure groaned, and reached out for the phone that was ringing. "Hello?" Shigure said, yawning. _"Shigure, hi. It's Hatori. We need you to come by the Sohma Estate, ASAP." _Came the drone of Hatori's voice.

"Why? You woke me up. I was dreaming of high school girls." Shigure replied, giggling. _"Get serious! We have a MAJOR problem here." _Hatori shouted, finally getting Shigure's full attention.

"What? Akito? Is he alright?" Shigure asked. _"Akito's fine. Unfortunately, Kureno isn't. He's dead. We found his body lying in his room. He was…gassed to death. By…The Ripper."_ Hatori replied, choking back sobs.

"What? Huh? Kureno's dead? Who is this ripper?" Shigure asked the doctor. _"The Ripper is the person responsible for the stink-out at the banquet. God, I feel like I should have done something more! Dammit!"_ Hatori shouted.

"Alright, take it easy. Have you anything on the perpetrator?" Shigure asked Hatori. _"Not a thing. Except a note." _Hatori replied. "Well? What does the note say?" Shigure asked, eagerly.

"_I'll tell you when you get here." _Hatori spoke. "Okay, I'll be there around noon. I want to get back to my dream." Shigure replied. _"Shigure…if you do not get here now, I'll give you the biggest needle this side of Japan. Is that clear?" _Hatori said, and hung up the phone.

"Aw…fine!" Shigure scowled, and hung up. He then got out of bed, and clothed himself in a loose Yukata, then set out for the Main Sohma Estate.

Main Sohma Estate

Shigure stood, mouth agape, as he read the note. The note said……

_Beans Beans,_

_The Magical Fruit._

_The More You Eat,_

_The More You Toot._

_The More You Toot,_

_The Better You Feel._

_Beans, Beans With Every Meal._

"What kind of monster would write such a thing?" Shigure asked, looking at Akito, who shrugged his shoulders. "As a practitioner of psychology, I can only say that this man or woman must be in need of medical help." Said Hatori, who walked into the room.

"You think? Poor Kureno…" Shigure cried out, sobbing into a tissue. "Speaking of Kureno…where did you put the body?" Akito asked Hatori. "We had the body locked away, to avoid contamination. NASA is scheduled to launch the body into the sun sometime tomorrow." Hatori replied.

"No, no! Better to launch him into a black hole! If he were launched into the sun, the ass gas might set off a Super Nova Explosion!" Shigure pointed out. "Hmm…Good point. I'd best call NASA to do that, instead." Hatori mumbled, and left the room in search of a phone.

"Yuck! I can still smell the stench of butt fumes in my nostrils." Akito growled out. "Well, we can't just sit here, we need to do something!" Shigure pointed out. "Yes, I know. But what?" Akito said, sighing.

"Never fear, Ayame the Beautiful is here!" Cried out Ayame, who swooped into the room. "And what are you doing in my rooms? Have you forgotten to knock?" Akito grumbled.

Totally ignoring Akito, Ayame stood before Shigure. "In light of certain events, I have put together a crack team of certain individuals, to battle this farting menace!" Ayame said, with a big grin plastered on his face.

"Oh, such as?" Akito asked, yet again being totally ignored, as Ayame only had eyes for Shigure. "Who's in this team?" Shigure asked. "Momiji, Ritsu and Yours Truly!" Ayame replied, batting his eyelashes at the dog.

"Talk about the blind leading the blind!" Akito shouted out, angrily. Ayame finally faced the young master. "Oh? Akito? You're here, too?" Ayame asked. Akito went blue in the face.

"Of course I'm here, you stain on the underwear of life! This is _MY _room!" Akito screeched like a banshee at the silver haired man. "So? What do you think?" Ayame faced Shigure, ignoring Akito yet again.

"I think it's fine. Akito-sama? Is it okay?" Shigure asked the young man, who was sulking in the corner. "Sure, whatever. It's not like any of you _care _what I think." Akito replied, in a whiny tone of voice.

"Then it's settled! Pretty Boys Are-GO!" Ayame said, giggling, and skipped out of the room. Shigure faced Akito. "It was nice of him to offer his assistance." Shigure told the young master.

"What crap. They're likely to do more harm than good." Akito replied. "Yes…but at least it'll keep us entertained. Popcorn?" Shigure asked, grinning as he held out a bucket of popcorn to the boy, who took a handful and nibbled on some. "I have a bad feeling about this…" Akito grumbled.

Yuki was down in his secret base, planting some more leeks to torture Kyou with. He heard a crunch, like feet walking on grass. He turned around, but the sun was in his eyes, so he didn't quite see the figure that smiled evilly at him.

"Who…are you?" Yuki asked, trying to shield his eyes. "Oh, I have a name…but you can call me…The Ripper!" A harsh voice hissed, before the stink of butt fumes encased Yuki, and he fell to the ground, coughing.

The figure walked over towards Yuki, until they were standing over the small boy. "Are you dead yet? No? No matter. The stink sometimes takes a while to kick in, then it's curtains for you." The figure said, laughing.

Yuki opened his eyes and stared up at the figure. "Y…You? But…I…" Was all Yuki had time to say, before his eyes rolled back into his head and he stopped moving. With a harsh laugh, the figure walked away into the forest.

To Be Continued

A/N: So? Has the toxic fumes got to anyone yet? –laughs- Oh, well. Read and Review. Thanks.


	3. Chapter 3

The Case Of 'The Ripper'.

By AnimeNutsy

Disclaimer: I do not own any Fruits Basket characters. They belong to Natsuki Takaya.

Warnings: Mild Language, and _lots _of sillyness. Oh! And a little reminder for all peoples, animals and other life forms to wear gas masks when reading this. Thankies!

A/N: Okay, I'm a bit new to the whole fanfiction thing, and I want to ask a question, that I'm a bit embarrassed about asking. The question is this: What does OOC stand for? I have been hearing it for years, and have never actually asked the question, and I'd really love to know. Arigatou! Also, thanks for Zuki-Chan for reviewing. I'm juggling this fic, along with GTA. I guess that's why this story hasn't got very long chapters. Well, onto the stinky goodness!XD

Part 3

Tohru Honda was inside the kitchen, making fried Tofu, when there was a knock on the front door. "I'll get it!" Kyou called out, and she heard the padding of footsteps as the cat boy went and opened the door.

The slam of the door was heard, and Kyou walked into the kitchen. "Who was that, Kyou-kun?" Tohru asked. "Ah, it was nothing." Kyou replied, and suddenly a harsh sound of the front door breaking brought both Tohru and Kyou running to the front patio.

Haru Sohma stood there, glaring at Kyou. He had went black, and had kicked the door in. "If you ever do that again, cat…I'll re-arrange your face!" Black Haru snarled. "So you just kicked the fricken door down? Get lost, you psycho cow!" Kyou retorted.

"That's Ox, if you've forgotten, shithead." Haru pulled a face, as he walked inside. "Why, you…!!" Kyou snarled, and smashed Haru in the chops. Haru's head whipped to the side.

Haru stood there, not moving. Then, all of a sudden, he started laughing harshly. Finally, after five minutes of harsh laughter, he faced Kyou. "You've done it now! I'm gonna beat your ass, bitch!" Haru shouted, and ran at Kyou.

Just as the fight was about to start, Shigure came from upstairs. "Now, now. That's quite enough of the fisticuffs for one day." Shigure spoke, in a sleepy voice. "We don't wish to get our new carpet stained with blood." Shigure told them.

"Um…we don't _have _new carpet." Kyou spoke, pointing out the fact. "No, but if we did, it would likely get stained with blood, so no more fighting, okay?" Shigure replied, with a fake sarcastic-like smile.

Just then, his eyes happened to fix on the door…which just happened to lying on the ground, broken in half. "My…my door…is broken…" Shigure said, softly. "Um…yeah. That was kinda my fault. Sorry." Haru apologized to the dog, having gone back to White Haru again.

Shigure stood up. He pulled a little stick-on anger vein out of his pocket, and stuck it on his head. He walked over to Haru, and grabbed the Ox by the ear. "Now, how shall you pay for my precious door!?" The dog shrieked.

"Well, um…try looking at the good points, Shigure-san!" Said Tohru, trying to smooth the situation over nicely. "And what is that, Tohru-chan?" Shigure asked. "We now have enough for firewood!" Tohru said, with a bright grin on her face. "Yeah. Except we don't have a chimney." Kyou pointed out, and her face fell.

"Aaagh! I've had it! Somewhere out there, some farting psycho is killing us off one by one!" Haru pointed out. Shigure suddenly let go of him. "Yeah, and Aya's group hasn't come up with any new leads." Shigure pointed out.

Just then, a shriek was heard, and it was coming from the garden. Forgetting the door, they all ran outside and down to Yuki's secret base. They saw a person standing over Yuki's body, and that person turned around. It was Kagura.

The boar-girl ran over to Kyou and glomped him tightly about the waist. "Oh, Kyou! It's horrible! I think he's dead!" Kagura cried on Kyou's shoulder. "C..Can't…Breathe…" Kyou choked out.

The boar-girl slowly let go of the cat. "He was like that when I found him. Are the rumors true? Is someone out to get us?" Kagura asked, fearfully. "Hang on a second! How do we know that you're not the culprit?" Shigure asked Kagura.

"Do I _look _like a psycho to you?" Kagura yelled, and gave Shigure a nipple cripple. Shigure shrieked, and hid behind Tohru. "Yuki-kun…no…NO!" Tohru screamed, and went to embrace the dead boy in her arms.

"No, Miss Honda. You might be infected. It's best to stay back. I'll call Hatori. Haru, you come with me!" Shigure began walking away. Haru stood there, blinking back tears as he stared at Yuki's small form lying there.

"Now, Haru!" Shigure shouted, and reluctantly, Haru followed the older man back to the house. "This is horrible…who is doing this?" Tohru sobbed. "I think I may have seen a form fleeing the scene, but…I was a ways away." Kagura spoke.

"What if…what if the culprit is still around? It feels like we're being watched." Tohru said, shivering. "Is that so?" Kyou frowned, and looked around. "Hey! Whoever you are, if I ever get my hands on you, I'll tear your butthole clean _off_, so you won't be able to fart anymore!!" Kyou shouted out, then turned back to Tohru.

"Whoever they are, they're long gone by now." Kyou said, and stared at Yuki's dead body. "It's a shame that he had to die before I could beat his girly ass." Kyou mumbled.

"Now, Kyou-kun…you shouldn't say such things about your cousin." Hatori replied, as he appeared with a team of individuals in Hazmat suits. The people picked up Yuki's body and began carting him away.

"Not that I _like_ the cat, or anything…but shouldn't we at least give the body a decent burial, or something?" Kyou asked the doctor. "No, if we did that, then the toxic anal fumes would indeed endanger the earth." Hatori replied.

Just then, one of the men in the Hazmat suits, went to light up a cigarette. Hatori grabbed it out of the man's hands and stubbed it into the ground. "Are you insane, man? Do you wish to incinerate us all? Get back to work!" Hatori scowled at the man, and the man hurried back to helping cart away the body.

Just then, they all heard Haru's wail come from the house. The four of them ran in the direction of the scream.

When they got to the house, they found Haru sitting outside, sobbing. "Haru! What's wrong?" Hatori asked the ox boy. "I…I was just gone for a _second_, honest! I left Shigure to take care of phoning you, and when I came back…he was just lying there. His face was all green! It was horrible!" Haru wailed, and blew his boogers on the closest thing…which just happened to be Kyou's shirt. That earned him a punch in the gut, which knocked out the ox.

Hatori ran inside the house. Shortly after, his scream of anguish pierced the otherwise quiet day. The rest of the gang ran in after him, only to see him kneeling beside Shigure's dead form, repeating a sentence over and over.

"_Why, why, why?"_ Was the chant that the doctor spoke repeatedly. Tohru hugged Kagura and cried. Kagura never particularly _liked _the dog, but she knew what to do in crisis situations like this. Kagura called Akito…

To Be Continued

A/N: Please Read and Review. –Uses a can of deodorizer to get rid of the stench-XD


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